On Timing

Monday, August 1, 2016

Timing is important. So much of life depends on it. Showing up to places on time, scheduling appointments, getting enough sleep. Less evident but much more significant: people must enter our lives at the right time.

Unfortunately, there's no way for us to know when that is. If there was, I would have told you, "You seem great and I'd love to hang out, but the stars aren't quite aligned for that yet. It wouldn't work out in the long run. Let's pick this up in a few years. It'll work much better then."

And I do think it would have. If our friendship happened now, it would have been much different than it was four years ago. I had too much going on then to properly invite that friendship in. There were too many factors holding me back, clouding my vision.

I was being shown that people are not always who you think they are. I was learning that you could live with somebody in an 8-by-12-foot room and still not really even know them. Friendship is a two-way street, but sometimes you find out you're on completely different roads. A person's true colors aren't always as vibrant as you hope.

So forgive me; I think I was subconsciously reluctant to let a bond actually form.

On the surface, there was the illusion of one. After all, a group text and regular weekend hangouts are two key signs of a strong friendship, right? From the outside, we were solid. In reality, I was connected only by a thread. Linked by a mutual friend and therefore by an obligation, most likely. I understand. 

If I actually opened up, maybe things would have turned out differently. But I didn't. Insecurity has a tight grip, and I was the odd one out.

For so long, I shoved all of the blame on you. I told myself matter-of-factly that you just weren't a good personTo be honest, I leave some of it there. I wasn't treated fairly, and the cutting of ties felt so abrupt and insensitive. (Though in your defense, was I as good of a friend as I could have been? Maybe not. Maybe I rode some coattails.)

Timing is everything. If the friendship started now, maybe it'd work out. I've grown since then. You probably have too. I understand better now that people are different. People are individuals. You can't hold someone accountable for another person's mistakes. You can't assume a person is going to treat you poorly before you've given them a chance. And maybe making that assumption is a self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am writing this because I opened Pandora's box and felt in the depths of me that I missed you. I actually missed you. And I hate that feeling. I've told myself for almost two years now that I don't. That the friendship ending was a blessing in disguise. That it was never as good as it should have been. It was never right.

But with the right timing, I know it could have been.

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