On Being Enough

Monday, May 15, 2017

I believe that nobody's perfect and I believe that there's always room for improvement. I believe in growth and striving to be the best person you can be. So I am always working on bettering myself.

But there are days when that notion strikes a different chord. Instead of feeling inspired or motivated, I feel discouraged, frustrated, and embarrassed. There's always room for improvement... so I'll never be quite good enough?

I try to do at least one thing every day to be good. A good friend, girlfriend, daughter, coworker, person. To be good to myself. To work on fixing the things that need to be fixed and coping with the things that need to be coped with.

I try, and I often fail.

I compare the goals I had with reality and get frustrated with myself, with how little progress I've made. I compare myself to others, to their perfect, happy Instagram lives that I know aren't totally accurate but also seem so much better than mine.

I sit on the floor and I cry. And I think about the last time I was sitting on the floor crying about the same thing – about how I had vowed to be better, to try harder, to not get so angry or be so lazy or stress out so much, only to wind up in the same place a month later. How many times can I repeat the same cycle? Breaking promises to myself and (probably) disappointing people? It feels like two steps forward and one step back.

I've talked about this type of stuff before, in a post called "Overcoming Anger." It used to be one of the posts I was most proud of. Now I don't know, because it's one year later and I'm running into the same problems. I didn't even realize it had been a full year since that post until now. Twelve months ago, I wrote about growing and dealing with negativity in a healthy way and not letting it consume me. Today, I am writing about how I'm struggling to grow and am not dealing with negativity in a healthy way and am letting it consume me.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Or maybe I'm just human.

What sucks is that when I do start actively taking steps to be better, especially to others, I then worry about how it'll come off. Will they understand? Will they perceive it the way it's intended, as a nice gesture from a friend who's doing her best? Or will they see it as a poor attempt of reconciliation?

Self-improvement is hard. Feeling good enough is hard. But it's important that we keep trying, and that we remember that as long as we are trying, that is good enough.

It has to be.

You Might Also Like